Three things that make me feel (slightly) patriotic

Posted 9 July, 2011 in Random Musings

The US Men’s National Soccer Team. (Nothing against the women’s team at all, it’s just that my family and I have followed the men’s team for years and have built up an emotional connection to the team.)

The Four Freedoms Room at the Normal Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge, MA. This might be as close as I get to a sacred space.

Dan Aykroyd’s speech during “Green Onions” from the Blues Brothers’ Made In America: Listen to “Green Onions” (mp3)

Some thoughts on hugging

Posted 16 April, 2011 in Random Musings

I’ve always been a fan of hugging. I grew up in a demonstrative family and then lucked out in high school, finding a small group of cool friends who weren’t afraid to be physically affectionate. Everybody hugged everybody, regardless of gender or orientation.

The older I got, the less hugging factored into my interactions. I still hugged people sometimes, but I found that many people were uncomfortable with it – particularly other men – so I did it less and less. I remember having a conversation with a friend in Rochester about how little physical affection people show to one another on a daily basis in the U.S. We had both lived in other countries and experienced very different attitudes toward physical intimacy. Even in Japan, with what most outsiders would consider a very formal culture, it was common to see men, particularly of my generation, with their arms around one another and touching one another without being self-conscious about it.

Over the past couple years I’ve tried to put more frequent hugging back in my repertoire and have discovered a number of fairly standard reactions.

1. Good hugs

Some folks just get it. They put their arms around you and give you a strong – but not crushing – embrace that doesn’t involve back-patting or awkward chuckling. Those hugs make the world seem like a pretty good place, and, for me at least, give me a real sense of well-being, respect and love.

2. Molecular hugs

These are the hugs where one person is really giving a hug and the other person is trying to touch as few molecules of the hugger’s body as possible. These hugs seem to be motivated by a belief that hugging is what is socially required (particularly in certain political/activist/liberal/progressive circles, I’ve noticed) juxtaposed against the person’s strong desire to not be hugged. The weird thing about these hugs is that it’s most often the person who doesn’t want to be physically affectionate who initiates the hug. Again, I think as a sort of expected social interaction.

3. Burping-the-baby hugs

Apparently some people can only equate hugging with burping a baby. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for those hugs that involve lots of back-patting. Unless I’ve just told you that I’m feeling bloated and I ask for your help, I don’t need to be patted. Like the molecular hug, this always has the feel of obligation attached to it rather than a true desire for connection.

4. Guy-on-guy hugs

When these are done right (a la #1 above) they’re a rare and wonderful affirmation of shared humanity. Most of the time, though, they’re either the one-hand-clasped-half-hug or the awkward-chuckle hug. It’s 2011 and there are still many men who are completely shocked by the idea of receiving a hug from another man.

5. Surprise hugs

These are a subtle variation of #1 above. For me, receiving a hug from someone when you didn’t expect that level of connection is a wonderful surprise. I find this happens most often in my work as an interviewer. I always shake hands with the artists I interview when I first arrive and that’s usually what happens at the end, too. But every once in a while the guest will give me a hug at the end, which feels great because it means we’ve made a real connection during the interview. These hugs always make my day. Once in a while, I mess them up.

/ / /

So there’s my list. Not comprehensive, I’m sure. And you may have your own take on why some of these hugs happen. If so, feel free to share them in the comments. Then go hug somebody!

My new self-help book is now available!

Posted 21 March, 2011 in Random Musings

Joy

Posted 16 March, 2011 in Random Musings

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently thinking about joy.

Today, for example, I was coming back from a jazz interview in Chinatown, listening to a mix of classic Stevie Wonder tunes from the 70s. I was on a subway platform walking from one train to the next with “Please Don’t Go” in my ears. It got to that part where Stevie goes into the chorus for the final time. The backing vocals kick in holding out long “aaahs” and the song modulates up a step. The feeling of happiness — of pure joy — was so intense that I could feel it in my stomach and I got that feeling around the eyes that you get when you’re almost-but-not-quite crying. I was in love with everyone and imagined they were all in love with me. I’m sure I had a huge smile on my face and I was dancing just a little while trying not to look like a nut. Probably trying and failing.

That feeling — an almost unbearable joy — happens most often for me with music, but it happens at other times, too. These days I’m focused on it because, to the external observer, my life offers few reasons to be joyous. I’m unemployed. I’m sleeping on my parents’ couch. My wife and I separating. Amicably, but it’s still a huge change after 15 years of marriage. My kids live in another state and it’s not clear when we’ll all live near one another again.

Those circumstances present two problems. One issue is that they’re not conditions that lend themselves to feelings of happiness. By most objective measures of success, my life is a bit of a shambles, in the same way the Titanic was “a bit of a disaster.” In fact, a few months ago my mom likened being my mother to being on a cruise ship during a huge storm. (OK, she actually said “during a tsunami,” but that’s a very charged word right now, particularly given my family ties to Japan.) Finding moments of happiness, or a path toward sustained happiness, is quite a challenge these days. Or at least it ought to be.

However — and this is the other issue — I’m actually happy a lot of the time. I love being in New York. I love talking with all the musicians I interview. I’m thrilled to be closer to many of my friends (although saddened to be farther from a few of them). I’m doing interesting things every day, in addition to writing a million cover letters and living off the state/parents dole. I’m excited about the personal transformation I’m going through and the possibilities it presents for love and fulfillment and growth. And I often wonder whether it’s OK to be feeling this way at all.

I don’t know if it’s because of youthful religious conditioning, or the effects of chronic and lifelong depression, or the way many of us in this country are conditioned to think, or some combination of all three, but I have a hard time accepting happiness. Actually being happy. When I’m walking down the subway platform and feeling so much joy that I want to start hugging strangers, there’s always that little voice in the back of my head warning me again these feelings of happiness. How can I be happy when I don’t have a job? When I’m not providing any material assistance to my kids, with whom I’m not even living?

There’s no easy answer. But I guess what I’ve come up with is that I’d rather find and hold onto these moments of joy than give in to the moments of despair. I’d rather be optimistic about the future. I’d rather work on becoming a happy, healthy, fulfilled and loving person — the kind of person I want my kids to have for a dad. Maybe I’m letting myself off the hook and maybe some of you reading this think I’ve got no right to be happy. But I’ve been keeping myself on a hook for years and years, and I’m ready to try something different.

So today I danced on a subway platform to Stevie Wonder. And tomorrow I hope to do the same thing.

10 Things, Day Ten: One confession (final day!)

Posted 19 February, 2011 in Random Musings

The wonderful musician Jill Knapp posted this on her LiveJournal blog and I really dug the idea. This is day nine. Links to the previous entries are at the bottom of this post.

Day Ten: One confession

1. Although I love jazz, it isn’t my favorite kind of music.

Day One: Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People Right Now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four things you want in a romantic partner
Day Eight: Three of your favorite possessions
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life or yourself right now
Day Ten: One confession

10 Things, Day Nine: Two images that describe your life or yourself right now

Posted 18 February, 2011 in Random Musings

The wonderful musician Jill Knapp posted this on her LiveJournal blog and I really dug the idea. This is day nine. Links to the previous entries are at the bottom of this post.

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life or yourself right now