If you called would I go back? Of course. But that call is never coming, no matter how many state lines I cross. “I think I’m getting over it,” I told my sister. As if it ever goes away. We add each tragedy to our nervous system like an organ transplant. The body never rejects these phantoms. It’s only too happy to pump blood into the past. There’s a trail of red in my rearview mirror.
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ocean
Published 8 September 2021 by Jason Crane
At high tide all my dangerous shoals remain secret. The sailor approaches easily, seeking safety in my harbor. We embrace under the wobbly moon. Later, the crags and ridges and points rise above the surface as the ocean recedes. The trick of the waves becomes clear. The sailor pulls up anchor and steals away into the night. I alone am left to tell thee.
Leave a CommentGrasshopper
Published 24 August 2021 by Jason Crane
A grasshopper jumps through the window into the van, drawn by the lantern. He isn’t the only jumpy one. I’ve been having a mild but persistent panic attack since I picked up the Vandura on Sunday. My minivan slinked across the landscape like a cat in your peripheral vision. This big beast roars like a lion. You’d think more room would be better, but the minivan wrapped me like a cozy blanket, kept me safe, and gave me only as much space as I was comfortable controlling. There’s probably a question for a therapist in here somewhere. For now I’m going to trust my gut.
Leave a CommentMustache
Published 19 August 2021 by Jason Crane
I’m growing back my mustache. It makes me look like one or both of my fathers. Not a look I’m going for, but you can’t help DNA or random chance. There are other things I can help, though, like that time I saw my father’s hands at the end of my own arms and decided right then and there to turn in a different direction. If I had the chance would I do it over again? Probably, yeah. Take a better shot at being the guy my kids might someday write poems about. The time machine only goes forward and we all move at the same speed.
Leave a CommentThe Story
Published 12 August 2021 by Jason Crane
I’m learning that the trick is to let the story move off in some other direction. Don’t follow it down. Because the story wants you to follow it. It wants to sidle up next to you and look into your eyes with its own big, wet stare and say, “I get it, buddy.” It wants to lace its fingers into yours and feel the pulse of your wrist against its wrist. The story wants you to lean against its shoulder so it can take your weight. It wants you to come over and hang out. Don’t do it. Once you enter the story gravity increases until you find yourself couchlocked and groggy. It’s not too late at that point, but the door is so much farther away than it was when you came in. No, better to let the story continue on its way. Let its footsteps fade into the night. You’ll thank yourself in the morning.
Leave a CommentFalls
Published 8 August 2021 by Jason Crane
Laundromat: Island Pond, Vermont. Mets and Phillies are on the TV despite the location. Across the street EMTs are assisting an elderly man, on his knees in the grass. I bought a Gatorade to get change for the machines. Turns out they take 20s anyway. Slept last night next to a waterfall. A car showed up at 2:30 in the morning. Four people with flashlights headed into the woods. At least they weren’t carrying a long rolled-up carpet or a half-dozen full plastic bags. I was tired so I stayed. Woke up alive. Calling that a victory.
Leave a CommentMargaret(s)
Published 5 August 2021 by Jason Crane
Both bartenders have the same first name. Some nights I still miss Owen. The bar sounds like a Miami Vice episode. I never know what’s going to make that happen. The missing, I mean. There’s a different song playing back in the kitchen. I remember on our honeymoon: We ate in that Mexican place that had two radio stations on at the same time like an endurance test. Today one of the kids mentioned Rehoboth which is maybe how this started. Did I already say the thing about the bartenders? Two people with the same slightly old-fashioned name. Like the time machine couldn’t decide so it brought back both of them. “This is Charlie Hodge. He brings me my scarves and my water.” I’m paraphrasing.
Leave a CommentHavana
Published 2 August 2021 by Jason Crane
I’m starting to worry about having a job. I don’t mean whether I can find one. I mean whether it was a good idea to find the one I’ve got. I work just three days a week and that seems like not that much until I think THREE OUT OF SEVEN DAYS THAT’S ALMOST HALF and then I start questioning everything. Without the job I make about $250 a month doing my little things I do. Sending people weird emails and making the occasional podcast. I used to make twice that but I gave one of my shows to someone else because if there’s one thing I’ve always been good at it’s financial planning. I mostly don’t watch other van life videos or Instagram accounts anymore but the other day I caught up on one of my favorites and he’s out there climbing mountains and paddling across lakes and I have, like, five polo shirts so I can wear them to work and I wonder if I’ve slid back too far. Right now I’m listening to the rain on the roof of the van and thinking about the loon calls I heard earlier and remembering the smell of the high desert and that time I drove as far as you can drive until you have to start paddling toward Havana and maybe I should go to bed and think about all this tomorrow.
Leave a CommentNothing
Published 1 August 2021 by Jason Crane
12:30 a.m. I’m in the van listening to The Fugs First Album because I’m getting an advanced degree in Catching Up On Shit I Missed The First Time Around. My rage is diminishing so I need to avoid yours. The youngest shows me Queen Anne’s Lace growing from a mud patch. I think she quickly crossed herself like the flower was a miracle. Maybe I imagined it. It’s hard to write seriously while The Fugs are playing “Boobs a Lot.” We make jokes and watch Fast & Furious movies and I miss my own kids but I can’t go back there. I had a girlfriend once whose dad played with the Holy Modal Rounders so I’m two degrees removed from The Fugs. She also went to school with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins’s kids but I don’t feel like I’m two degrees from them even though I loved Bull Durham. Now “Nothing” is playing and it’s bringing up some hazy memory of hearing this song live but I’ve never seen Ed Sanders so maybe I imagined that too.
Leave a CommentDark Night Detective
Published 25 July 2021 by Jason Crane
3 o’clock this morning. Fitfully sleeping beside my friends’ dog because I’m pet sitting while they’re away for the weekend. Suddenly the TV at the end of their bed blazes to life and Columbo’s face appears large as an Easter Island head. His voice booms out. He’s asking a delivery driver about someone with a bird name as I frantically search for the previously unknown remote that the dog must have rolled over on. As the driver makes a series of bird puns I push the dog and scramble my hand through the sheets. The truck drives away and Columbo shakes his head with a smile. I leap from the bed to find another way to shut off the TV. I mash the power button. Darkness and silence descend, blessedly, on the bedroom. The dog sleeps through the whole thing.
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