Ellen Page Came Out And It Matters. Our Reaction Matters Too.

I want to say a few words from my cis, straight, white, male perspective about Ellen Page coming out and why it matters. After I posted the video of Page’s speech, a friend on Twitter said, in essence, “I don’t see why I’m supposed to care about some celebrity’s sexuality.” My guess is that my straight, white, cis, male friend is not alone. But her actions do matter. And so do my friend’s. And so do mine.

Page’s coming out matters for her. It means she can finally claim her identity publicly. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to deny a core part of who I am. I’ve never had to. Society accepts everything I am. But I can try to put myself in Ellen Page’s shoes and think about what it would be like to lie over and over and over again in every public forum. To hide romantic relationships. To deny who she is to friends, family, coworkers.

Her coming out also matters for people who aren’t wealthy, famous actresses. Every famous person who speaks the truth removes one more brick from the enormous wall that stops LGBTQ folks from feeling like they can be honest about who they are and who they love. Our society isn’t the way it is because God made it that way or because natural selection made us homophobes. It’s the way it is because we made it this way. We make it this way every day by our silence, by our ignorance, by our lack of empathy, but our acceptance of the status quo.

My friend said he finds people’s sexuality to be the least important part of them. In a way, I agree. It doesn’t — or shouldn’t — matter if my friend is gay, bi, transgendered, straight, whatever. But that’s extremely easy for me to say. Again, no one cares about my sexuality because it’s “normal.” For millions of people, their identity is a key factor in the quality of their lives. Either because others know about it and react with their ingrained biases, or because they’re forced to hide who they are. If Ellen Page or Michael Sam or any LGBTQ celebrity can make one person feel safer or better or more worthwhile, then we should all applaud that choice.

I know this is a cliched thought experiment, but just try replacing “gay” with “black” or “a woman” or “in a wheelchair” or any of the hundreds of other qualities based on which we discriminate against other humans. Should it matter that someone is any of these things? Does it? Of course it does. It’s ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

My friend ended by saying he won’t make such comments again. That’s wonderful and I applaud the mature conversation we were able to have this morning. He’s a good person and he responded with real listening and thought.

But silence is not enough.

Our silence makes us complicit in this toxic system. Our silence causes those around us to think again before being true about themselves. Our silence means that friends who might lean on us, might confide in us, might turn to us for support, don’t, because they’re afraid we’ll turn out to be like most people they encounter.

Silence is not enough.

We need to speak out, to stand up, to be vocal and active about creating this better world we all want to live in. And I’m speaking here primarily to my cis, straight friends. What we do makes a difference. We may never be called upon to show the courage Ellen Page showed. But we are called upon every day, again and again, to show the courage and compassion and empathy and morality required to make everyone we encounter feel comfortable in their own bodies and minds.

I can do more. You can do more. Let’s do more.