The Poorly Locked Vault Of The Mind Swings Open At The Approach Of Sleep
Last night just before sleep I thought of kissing you on the street corner outside the Polish church in Pittsburgh where everybody could see but it didn’t matter and maybe we also got donuts but I can’t remember.
(Thanks to Seeds of Shakti for the spread. This is the first time I’ve ever done a tarot reading and used the reversals.)
What is currently ebbing and flowing in my heart space? (King of Swords, reversed) This can refer to inner truth or a quiet kind of power. There’s never a time when I’m not searching for the truth of my life. I feel like I’m on the crest of a wave recently where this phase of that ongoing search is concerned.
What blockages are impeding me from expressing self-love? (Seven of Pentacles, reversed) This can speak to the absence of a long-term vision. That’s something I’ve been writing about recently: the idea of planning vs staying in the present. However, this could also mean not so much planning as understanding the very presence of the idea of a longer term than now. In other words, not assigning the experience of the moment to the rest of my life.
What shadow work needs to be done so I can honor my emotions? (The Tower, reversed) This can suggest personal transformation. That feels spot-on, but then again it pretty much always feels spot-on. This can also be about a fear of change or averting disaster. I’m not sure if I’m afraid of change or if I’m just somewhat overwhelmed by how much of it there is. I’d like to think that bowing out of an office job and recommitting to van life is a means of averting one kind of disaster.
What needs to be washed away with the tide? (Knight of Pentacles, reversed) The suggestion is financial incompetence or an obsession with wealth or status. Well the first part is definitely true. As for the obsession, I’m not obsessed with getting rich, but I do recognize how often money (and the lack of it) is on my mind. It’s something I struggle to overcome, and the struggle isn’t helped by the fact that I’m not good with money.
What changes do I need to make to feel more comfortable at home? (Nine of Pentacles, reversed) Self-worth and hustling. In the first place, I don’t have much of a sense of self worth and that’s certainly something I would like to improve. As far as hustling goes, I’m not sure if this card is supposed to suggest that it’s good or bad. Generally speaking, I hate hustling. I guess at least materially my life would be improved by doing more of it. Materially, however, is the only way in which it would be improved.
In what relationships do I need to show more sensitivity? (Five of Cups) The four words keyed to this card in the guide I’m using are regret, failure, disappointment and pessimism. Jesus. I think the relationship I need to be the most sensitive with is the one I have with myself, because these are the kinds of words I use about myself all the time.
Message from the ancestors (Five of Wands) Don’t manufacture conflict or tension. Just be with what is.
We crossed this border so many times, going to visit your family or returning to our own. Rather than a river of rapids and rocks, our crossing was an imaginary line, a sign sped past at 75 miles per hour. With this poem I’m erecting a new sign, painting a fresh imaginary line. This time I’ll be the only one crossing it. Across this border is the rest of my life, all the other poems I’ll write, all the other places I’ll go. No more words about you, no more places seen together. The clouds will drift over the hills and I’ll go with them.