One thing about depression is that for many people, including me, its intensity varies. In my own case, I’m always experiencing a background radiation of depression, but for months at a time I can control it well with drugs and therapy and meditation. Sometimes, though, it gets worse, and even those techniques can’t keep it at bay.
For the past month or two I’ve noticed more severe symptoms returning. I find it hard to accomplish simple tasks. It’s a chore to be around people. I have a real desire to hide in my apartment. It’s hard to concentrate. And I get anxiety attacks — sweating, shaking, a flight response, fast heartbeat, dizziness. I know intellectually that it’s happening, and I still do my three main things (drugs, therapy, meditation), but I can’t out-think my depression.
One of the most annoying things about depression for me is that it tends to lead to behavior that feeds back into the depression. For example, there are tasks I need to complete for people. I don’t finish them, which leads to guilt and anxiety, which makes the depression worse, which makes me even less able to complete these tasks.
All these years of therapy and meditation mean that I’m less prone to beat up on myself than I used to be. Even if I can’t out-think the beast, I can at least realize it’s there and try to be kind to myself while things are at their worst. And I know that I feel like I do because my brain doesn’t work properly, not because I’m a bad person.
As always, I’m not writing about this so that anyone will treat me differently. This has been happening for many weeks and I’ve been out there in the world, trying to be the best me I can be. Most people don’t even notice.
I’m writing about this because I bet other people I know are dealing with similar mental health situations, and they might find some comfort in having company. If I’d broken my leg or been in an accident or been diagnosed with a physical illness, I’d probably talk about it. I think the same should apply to mental illness, assuming the individual is comfortable being open. Everyone’s level of comfort varies.
Anyway, I’m working through this phase. I finally have health insurance, thanks to a beautiful friend, so I should be able to do more therapy and stay consistent with my medication. And I just completed my 800th consecutive daily meditation last night, and I don’t intend to stop now.
Finally, if you think you might be suffering from depression or another mental illness, talk to someone. Most of the time, you can’t talk your way out of these things, but there are ways to get healthier.
You’re exactly right! This is exactly what I am feeling/going through too. Ugh.
Oh, Jason. This is so beautifully written. Yes, I do know about depression. I take prozac and have for years. It changed my life, but I still have to keep my self-talk in line. My one daughter has a very tough psychiatric diagnosis and is an addict, and that has consumed my life for years. Isn’t it true how we all walk around with a smile on our faces like all is well when we may be dying inside? I really appreciate your sharing this with me. When we hugged yesterday I felt so ashamed of myself and relieved that you so graciously accepted my apology. I am dripping tears right now feeling how very difficult life is and how we must appreciate one another and be gentle with each other’s souls.
Thank you, Paula and Marilyn. I responded to you each privately, too.
Jason, You really paint a very accurate picture of depression. There are so many of us whose daily struggle goes unnoticed by most as we have learned how to manage our brain disorder. I wish you continued success and support along your journey. And congratulations on your radio show! I plan to tune in. Are you living near Penn State now?
Thanks, Marisa. I appreciate your comment. And yup, that’s where I live.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with your readers and I wish you the best. Depression affects everyone differently and I find myself finding solace in reading about the illness, how other people cope with it, treatment options, etc. I want to recommend to you a book series entitled “Healing the Mind and Body” by Dr. Paul D. Corona (http://drpaulcoronamd.com/). I have been making my way through many different mental health books over the years and this one was recommend by a friend, and it was a very interesting read. Often I find myself overwhelmed with information provided in these kinds of books, but Dr. Corona writes in a way that the content can be fully absorbed and understood by an average reader (not difficult medical jargon like many of the others). 1 in 4 people suffer from some sort of mental health issue in the US and I think we can all cope a little better if we use resources such as this to understand the new and emerging treatments available to us. Hope you will give it a read
Thanks so much, Leslie. I’ll check it out. And thanks for sharing your story.