We’re in our bedroom. I’m standing behind them, arms around their waist. I ask whether there’s anything we could do to fix things, to be together. They smile sadly but don’t answer. That’s when I awake, my brain saving me from another crushing reply. Christmas slips the knife back in. I know it takes time, but hasn’t there been enough? I’m ready for the part where it hurts less. Mostly I just want them back so damn much and I want to stop wanting that.
the kettle is on
in someone else’s house
Christmas
Category: Family
first awake
light the tree, play Bing
Christmas morning
/ / /
25 December 2021
State College PA
one of the characters on Gilmore Girls
is telling her friend how much she misses
the boy she broke up with on an earlier episode
does that mean I have the emotional maturity
of a high school student or at least
the emotional maturity of what a television writer
thinks a high school student is like?
because my partner and I split up more than a year ago
& all I want is a Very Special Episode on which
we get back together after an unlikely series of events
that culminates in the realization
that we made a terrible mistake in our living room
on that hot desert day in August
I talk fast like these characters do & that seems to be
all they need to fix things but it isn’t working for me
maybe I can get a team of comedians in here
to punch up the script
/ / /
6 December 2021
State College PA
Good afternoon, Stan Getz.
Good afternoon, Stan Getz.
I used to know what most of these
Portuguese words mean but now I don’t.
As I was typing the lines above I remembered
that you (not you, Stan, the other you)
also liked this album a lot.
In fact when I made us a nice dinner,
timed for the moment you got home from work,
it’s what I’d put on in the background.
My son is down the hall now,
listening to hip hop that’s fighting
with the soft drums of Milton Banana.
What a great name: Milton Banana.
I don’t know if his last name is said
like we’d say the fruit but I sure hope so.
Anyway back to my son:
Last night we had a long conversation
about the nature of happiness & security
& it turns out he has his own ideas
on those subjects & many others.
I love being surprised by what & how he thinks.
(Now Astrud is singing & I’m missing you.)
(Not you, Stan. Again, sorry.)
There’s a dog tucked up behind me on the sofa.
I chose “sofa” there because it sounds more
sophisticated than “couch” & this
is sophisticated music, you know?
Anyway, Stan, what was I saying?
I think the point is there’s a little snow on the leaves
on the ground on this little patch of planet &
that always means it’s time to dig into the vaults
for the good stuff from back in the day.
You’re one of the good things, buddy, so out you come.
Ha! Good one, Stan. Now you’re playing “Summertime.”
/ / /
27 November 2021
State College PA
watching You Can’t Take It With You
I remember all those times
in your parents’ kitchen watching TCM
I loved to sit there with them
trying to remember the actors’ names
or other films we’d seen them in
your mom was always the best at it
until tonight it’d been a long while
since I’d watched an old movie
another loss in a catalog of the missing
/ / /
6 November 2021
State College PA
take a note
no paper
what will my sons leaf through?
/ / /
21 September 2021
Greensboro VT