gnome on the dashboard
with polka dots on his cap
think of Aunt Linda
/ / /
4 July 2021
Greensboro VT
Category: Family
grandpa’s hands
I have your feathery hair
“grandpa’s hands,” I thought, looking at mine
but we’re not related, are we?
that was one hell of a secret to take to the grave
we told you we were naming our first son after you
you said, “Don’t saddle him with that name”
I assumed you meant it was outdated
now I wonder
it doesn’t change the time we had together
or how much I miss you
but others had already chopped down
most of my family tree
now the little that was left
is engulfed by fog
/ / /
30 April 2021
Farmington NY
for Bernie Flanders
like father, like son
you’re into drifting and so am I
though I mean it like Kung Fu
& you mean it like Tokyo Drift
you’ve got my sense of humor &
probably too much of my personality
for your own good
you’re braver than I’ve ever been
& fearless in just the right way
willing to put your whole body
into whatever you’re pursuing
where I was always more
of an indoor kid
most importantly to me:
the same things make you angry
that make me angry
meaning you stand up for others
whether you know them or not
& that’s all I could ever ask for
/ / /
21 April 2021
State College PA
for John Crane
no child
no child deserves to be punched
or to have love taken away on a whim
no child should live in fear
or find themselves suddenly on the street
no child earns self-loathing
or a lifetime of questioned relationships
no child needs to become an adult
under the weight of a childhood like this
no child needs to forgive, to forget
or to remain in contact like bondage
I am no child
I am no child
I am no child
/ / /
14 April 2021
State College PA
for my parents
I remember there was a bat involved
actually you remember there was a bat
& I remember it because you’ve told me
my childhood is a deep dark well
but you’ve sent the bucket down
to bring back a treasure or two
I’m shedding my old ideas of family
because blood isn’t a strong enough tie
but even if we weren’t related I’d choose you
& not just because you remember the bat
/ / /
13 April 2021
State College PA
for Lynne Harting
fatherhood
why didn’t you come looking for me?
sure we moved around but a little effort
would have made all the difference
thirty years later we met in your trailer
ten years after that I stood at your mother’s grave
this has been a time of shedding my past
I have three living parents
I don’t speak to any of them
you cant sail with the anchor down
/ / /
11 April 2021
Newnan GA
for Art Borders
While I was doing the dishes
you leaned down to kiss the top of my head
it used to be the other way around
but the tables have turned
I won’t say “you’ll always be my little boy”
because that can be a weapon
I’m not who I was and you won’t be either
so instead I’ll say “I’ll always be your dad”
that can mean whatever you need it to
& whenever you need me I’ll be there
/ / /
3 April 2021
Jonesville NC
for Bernie Crane
Reports Of My Death
(for Owen)
I will most likely die
many years before you.
On some days that makes me sad.
This morning I leaned back
in my easy chair listening to
American Beauty;
46 & finally becoming a Deadhead,
years after my high school classmates
wore tie-dyes and Birks.
This afternoon I thought about your life
after me. Who you might meet next.
What people will say.
“Oh he was a lot older so they both knew
this was coming. But they were happy
while it lasted.”
On some days I worry that you
might die before me.
That is infinitely sadder.
/ / /
Jason Crane
1 May 2020
Tucson, AZ
Abstention
If, right now, they were to die,
I would not attend the funeral.
Already I hear the muttering of cousins,
the sotto voce accusations.
The time has come to stop keeping up appearances.
Let others mourn; I did my crying as a child.
I felt the sting & dreamed of death
both given & received.
I hid a mountain of dirt beneath my clothes.
Those who knew them less well
can toss handfuls into their darkness.
/ / /
Jason Crane
9 February 2020
State College PA
At night I think about my kids
Not just at night, of course, but it’s then
that two thousand miles feels like an un-
crossable gulf; a promise bent to breaking.
Two weeks after I move I’ll miss a birthday.
Two months later it’s graduation.
I can hear it in their mother’s voice:
“To Tucson?” she asks, even though she knows.
I’ll get back when I can. Bring them out
when they want to come & I can afford it.
This’ll feel better in the morning,
but it’ll never feel good.
/ / /
Jason Crane
27 January 2020
State College PA
ex post facto
it took him years
to understand what happened
how she was always ready
to withdraw her love from her ungrateful child
is this the thanks I get?
is this how you repay me?
he hadn’t realized
everything was a transaction
another item in a ledger
carefully tallied, always in the red
how owed before his first breath
she was there, waiting to collect
/ / /
Jason Crane
7 November 2019
State College PA
pocket knife
when I was young
I planned out how to kill him
if he ever hit me again
when I got older
I tried to forgive
if not forget
when I became a father
the wind blew his ember into
my dry kindling; it caught
when I went home
the past chased me, yelling,
into their newly remodeled kitchen
when I drove away
I cut all ties using
the knife I always keep in my pocket
///
Jason Crane
21 October 2019
State College PA
BOOM
I’m in one of those relationships where
talking happens, but doesn’t need to
right now Owen is asleep on the couch upstairs
I’m in the basement futzing
Owen’s sleeping energy fills the whole house
it makes me feel safe, even though I can’t
see them or hear them or touch them
you know that thing where you can tell
there’s a TV on in the house even if
the sound is off? it’s like that
Owen is broadcasting a silent message
I’M HERE EVERYTHING IS OK
of course “everything” isn’t OK
but the thing about being in this pairing
is that even the things that aren’t OK
seem likely to be OK in the end
it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way
how old was I when we got together?
42, I think. in which case I went 42 years
without ever feeling like everything
would work out … then boom, Owen.
/ / /
Jason Crane
15 September 2019
State College PA
but not for much longer
